Star Wars: The Last Jedi Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Disney proudly presents: the worst Star Wars movie...(so far...)

Review: Wow, I cannot believe the sheer volume of these paid, shill reviews. Wait, of course I can believe it--people are fucking sellouts! "Better than Empire!" the lying sacks of shit say. Better than Empire?! What the reviews should really be saying is that "The Last Jedi" makes "Attack of the Clones" look like Empire! Hell, if I factor in absolute disgust, and the disgraceful presentation of the material, I'd go as far as to say this makes the holiday special look like Empire in comparison. My lord...these fake reviews are killing me. If it weren't Star Wars being ruined, I'd be laughing at how stupid everything is, however, the original trilogy shaped my very perspective on film and writing. I hate to see the franchise milked this hard and in such a putrid way--the Disney way.

First off, this sure as hell isn't an episode VIII; just as "The Force Awakens" wasn't episode VII. These are just glorified remakes except infinitely more moronic and (overly) using modern humor. After all, isn't it sooooo much better to pander to the audience of the moment rather than making a timeless tale?! It works in the shittier Marvel movies--why not use it here, right? So the film starts off with an extremely dated joke followed by some character dying as if we are supposed to give a shit; the only reason I was a tiny bit sad was because she was a cute Asian girl. I guess this scene was supposed to serve as character development for Leia and Poe? It's okay though, because Finn wakes up and izzzz funny! Hooray!

What's that, you want more jokes? Okay, Rey meets Luke and izzzz more funny times! ARGH! The ruination of Luke in this film is the number one biggest problem. His personality has been completely distorted, his motives are ridiculous, and he fundamentally does nothing all movie only to die at the end because...well, we have to get rid of the old cast to hype up the new idiots. He doesn't even fight Kylo Ren, and they completely imply that Rey and Kylo are both stronger in the force!!! No wonder Mark Hamill has been talking so much shit in interviews. Plus, they make a horrendous-looking Yoda ghost appear and yell at Luke while praising Rey. OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS (commence eye-rolling). The moment I was about to strangle every person in sight was when they actually made Rey semi beat Luke in a fight. Sure, he wasn't really trying, but she still knocked him down and had a lightsaber aimed at him. I mean, Rey is already the worst fanfic character ever created, but people thought it was just a joke that Disney would have her teaching Luke lessons. Yet, here we are. ARGH!!! I am furious just thinking about this shit.

Anyway, Luke is hanging out on this dumb island because of something about the first Jedi being here or whatever bullshit they were making up as they go. Luke kind of agrees to help Rey and she is, of course, magically good at everything for no reason. In fact, we are never given a reason for anything or offered up any godforsaken answers. Rey and Kylo Ren are just super powerful because Disney said take every guitar amp up to 11. They even make fun of Kylo Ren losing to Rey yet don't explain how it could possibly happen. Snoke, who is supposedly masterminding everything is never explained and just dies like a bitch too. They establish him as ridiculously powerful too which makes no sense. Honestly, we need to simply presume he was Darth Plagueis in order to make sense of the numerous plot threads left hanging. Great writing there. I guess we can conclude that, like with Anakin, Snoke (assuming him to be Plagueis) used the force to create another force child except that, this time, it created one for each side of the force: light and dark side. That's all we really have to work with as an audience since they were too lazy to explain themselves. Making matters more convoluted is that now Rey and Kylo have a telepathic link due to this force balancing. I guess they'll hype them up as lovers in the next movie since they gave Finn a new love interest (was hoping it would be Poe though).

The main plot--if you want to even call it that--involves the wannabe rebels fleeing from the wannabe Empire. The rebel ships are slightly faster but running out of fuel and they need to find a hacker to help save them. Yeaaaaah, sounds just like a Star Wars plot. This is utterly pathetic and a pointless tale to tell. And for the love of fuck, how can you be a resistance or rebels when the fucking republic was in control?! I brought this up with the last stupid movie. The First Order are the rebels technically since they're trying to take power from the republic. How do people not understand this? And nobody comes to help the rebels despite the fact that, virtually, every damn system should have been a member of the republic. In a nutshell, it's "ESB's" plot all over again except, instead of the Empire focusing on capturing the Millennium Falcon, these idiots are chasing the whole pitiful fleet that is peddling their bikes a tad faster than the bad guys.

Dat's too much thinkin'. We need to go to a casino planet and have big aliens and dumb little kid characters and stuff! And they find a hacker and he betrays them and he's a big meanie introduced out of nowhere. But then some purple-haired, tumblr-brought-to-life idiot talks about hope and sacrifices herself 'cause she's a hero! And then...and then...and then...they totally don't recreate the battle of Hoth but it's salt instead of snow. It's totally different! Luke shows up to save the day and actually does nothing 'cause he stayed on the island all along and used a force projection...you know, FORCE PROJECTIONS...'member those?! But it was hard and Luke disappears with the force while looking at the sun, because 'member he did that one time in a good movie? At the end, like 10 people get away, but, just you wait, they'll destroy the Empire yet again and Rey will turn Kylo gay--um, I mean, turn Kylo to the light side at the last second. Oh and some kid has a rebel ring he got out of a box of cereal. THE END.

When everything is said and done, the only redeeming qualities are okay effects; nothing to even brag about like with "The Force Awakens." I suppose there were a few decent moments too like the throne room fight, however, they just had to include Rey saving Kylo though, right? Gimme a break. With that said, FUCK THIS MOVIE! Disney has successfully ruined everything about this franchise. The most painful aspect is what they did to Luke. I cannot and will not recognize these fanfic movies as real. No matter how stupid the prequels could be with Jar Jar and such, they felt like Star Wars through and through. I'd rather watch teen Anakin talk about sand all day than to watch "The Last Jedi" ever again. The fake reviews are perfect complements to this movie, because they both demonstrate what a complete lack of integrity will produce. To paraphrase this garbage movie, "It's time for Star Wars to end."

Notable Moment: When the purple-haired lady goes bye bye. What an insufferable cunt character. The light speed crash was a neat (yet not original) idea though.

Final Rating: 4.5/10 (objectively) 0.5/10 (personally)