Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Rob Zombie proudly presents: the worst Halloween entry in the franchise!
Review: Most people probably hate Rob Zombie's second remake most, or maybe "Halloween: Resurrection," but I hate this entry more than any other by a significant margin. I keep promising to never watch this piece of shit again, yet, here we are once more. Ugh, I need to stop torturing myself. Well, the positives for this movie are few and far between so it won't take long to list those off. Obviously, bringing back Danielle Harris as Annie works wonders for me; her character is annoying, as are all the characters, but at least Danielle is there. They included my favorite musical piece, "Air," by Bach. Umm, the overall look and style to the cinematography is pretty good considering the lack of direction or clear vision. Uhhh...I think I've run out of positive things to say already...
Okay, let's go over the tremendous amount of things that do not work. Starting with Michael himself: now cast as an emo, whiny little girl-boy, we spend more than 50 minutes of an overblown run time going over what makes Michael kill. Cute. This is especially frustrating given that Michael's lack of motive was what made him scary in the original. And was any of this backstory worth it? Of course not! Michael comes from a cartoonishly dysfunctional family, and he's now the kind of kid who tortures small animals. Uh huh. He loves masks for unknown reasons and is a momma's boy who appears to love Laurie all of a sudden. The more you try to make sense of the stupid decisions, the more the migraine develops so don't even bother. Making matters worse, however, is that adult Michael becomes a fucking giant out of nowhere and lacks any kind of mystique or nuance. Instead of "inhumanly patient" and waiting for the right time to strike, Michael escapes due to rapist orderlies messing with him. Whaaaaaat? And once Mikey has escaped he simply wants to get his mask back--that he magically hid under floorboards fifteen years ago--and wants to reunite with Laurie by killing her friends and family. Again, whaaaaat? And that's the new take on Michael Myers, ladies and gentleman.
As for the other characters, they're also pitifully constructed and presented. In fairness, the actors are decent in their roles but had a weak script to work with. I will acknowledge Laurie is okay here...when I mentioned her as the second most annoying character in the franchise I meant her second remake incarnation. Loomis is probably the other character altered the most. We are meant to see his failure to rehabilitate and reach Michael followed by seeing his fear and realization that Michael is truly evil. Instead, we get none of that. What we do get is Loomis saying Michael is his best friend in one breath and then Loomis saying Michael is an evil psychopath moments later. Ironic that a film dedicated to showing would still end up relying on telling the audience everything! You fucking imbecile, Rob Zombie.
The opening scene poetically captures the horrific and misguided vision of Rob Zombie. From the dialogue to the seizure-inducing editing, everything the film does is poorly executed. Rather than using the iconic "Halloweeen" themes, we get the usage of a cliched soundtrack with many misplaced songs that only add to the bizarre nature of the production. Worse, when we do get the main theme proper it is ill-timed and sporadic. Good job. All the failures and idiocy fall at his feet. He claimed to be a big "Halloween" fan, but nothing in this movie would imply that love; just the opposite really. To put it succinctly, Rob Zombie completely fucked up EVERYTHING. I can't make it more clear than that...this movie is terrible in, virtually, every regard.
I watched this movie eleven years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no editing, no characters, no understanding of even the most rudimentary sense of film making, good or bad writing. I was met with this blank, pale, emotionless story, and the dumbest direction, a moron's direction. I spent five years warning people not to watch this shit and another six avoiding it altogether because I realized the ego working behind that camera was purely and simply retarded.
Notable Moment: I think the scene that truly illustrates Rob Zombie's lack of understanding is when Michael is screaming in the bathroom. "I'm not listening. AHHHHHHHH!" Genius.
Final Rating: 3/10
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